Uswah found him, later. After all the horse trading, after all the subsequent battles and the taking of the businesses and freeing - or at least, removal of women - from those establishments. Thankfully, the majority of them were not slaves, were not there against their intentions. Most just had debts or were not able - or were scared to - progress further.
In any case, breaking into the establishments, bringing the people over and doing a check was necessary. Everything Arthur knew about the Ghee Hin, about the way they worked - and the way his own people were - he would have regretted not taking this opportunity. It wouldn't stop them from rebuilding, or another group from doing the same. But he could do what he could.
No surprise, then, that he was here, on the roof of his building. Not even cultivating, not even practising. Just trying to let his mind, his nerves, his body to calm down.
Days of chaos and reorganisation. Of decisions and cold-blooded actions.
And it was not the end.
Fang Chien was downstairs, tied up. Arthur wasn't even sure why he had kept him alive, but he was. And now, he had to decide what to do with him. What next step to take. If he was going to hold a trial or just kill him out of hand. The problem when there were no laws involved, decisions like this - the meting out of justice and the enforcement of rules were all left to the individuals. Groups and people like him who were in charge.
It sucked. There were numerous reasons why one should split the decision making process of justice - enforcement, judgement of guilt and decisions on punishment.
Everyone dreamed about being in charge, even for a brief moment. Even the most introverted. The smarter ones, the wiser ones, those who understood themselves well or just had deepset insecurities shied away from that job. Leaving the power hungry, the greedy, the selfish and arrogant and the self-sacrificing to do it eventually.
It was why companies and governments all went to hell in the end. Politicians and professional managers and CEOs, all climbing to the top ahead of everyone else; all of them carrying around this innate arrogance that they were the best ones for the job.
Sometimes, they were even right.
A few were thrust into the position like Arthur. Some, even forced into such circumstances, declined to lead. Allowed themselves to be manipulated and moved around, allowed others to make decisions for themselves. Like the uber-rich who had money managers who dealt with their incomes and never cared what those managers did with it – whether to support terrorists or weapon manufacturers or mining companies that destroyed natives and enslaved others. All because the actual work of learning to do it yourself, to watch for what happened and accept responsibility for those decisions was too much.
There was some delight in being the boss, some joy in doing the right thing, the ability to influence outcomes – but just as much, it came with days like these. Drudgery and decisions that had to be made, and the more powerful you were, the stronger you grew and the more freedom you had; the greater the weight of such responsibility. Decisions, piling up on one another, with the moral good somehow all kinds of grey and the right choice never actually clear.
The arrogant, the foolish, the die hard wannabes who never had a chance to actually make such decisions all declared it simple. For some, it might even be – the narcissistic, the self-indulgent who cared only for themselves or those close to themselves. The worse of the worst saw the world in black and white and could not imagine a grey zone.
And when others saw such grey zones, tried to traverse that land and waffled between stepping over the line, they were happily insulted. Safe in their lack of power, firm in their belief that and often sheltered in their privilege, these children of the rich or the western nations trolled others.
“Arthur,” Uswah slipped onto the roof with him. Even knowing where she was, he found he could barely sense her, the shadows seeming to rise up around and wrap around her body.
“Uswah.”
“You okay?” she asked.
“Fine.”
Her silence was pointed, but he ignored it for a time. Just staring up at the sky as it wheeled on, high above. Idle thoughts about how those stars were formed, if they were real or just lights put in place, or if they had been transferred to a different dimension. Impossible to tell, few enough researchers willing to give it a go.
One day, they’d know, though right now – the answer was all the usual.
It depends.
Eventually, when she realized he would not break, she spoke up. “Terima kasih.”
“Why you thanking me?”
“The women,” Uswah said. “Three joined.”
“Out of what? Forty? Fifty?”
“Not that many.” A shrug. “Maybe more later. Now that we’re watching. They have a chance. Even if it’s to run it themselves.” Obvious distaste at the words, but that was the thing with freedom. If you truly meant to let people choose, sometimes, they chose in ways that you disliked.
Not that it stopped the hypocrites who then decided that you could then dictate how people could choose after.
“Whatever.” Arthur waved a hand languidly. He had done it because it had to be done, but he had only made the decision and asked for it, the actual work had been put in by the Lotuses.
“No.” Now there was heat in her voice, a rise in the tone that caught him by surprise. Uswah was not one to get angry, not with her Yin body, not with her general temperament. “You don’t get to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Discount everything good you do, take on the bad.” She pointed a finger at him. “You’re angry and upset and tired of running the Clan, thinking maybe it’d be better if you didn’t have it, right?”
“Not exactly…”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s close enough, yes?”
“I…”
“Then you don’t also get to discount the good you do when you make the decisions. You do good, you improve lives. You make it possible for us to improve ours. And that’s not a small thing, even if you think it might be.” She shook her head. “You can’t just see the bad, without end. Or else you’ll break.” Then her voice dropped. “And we cannot have that.”
“Ah…”
“Yes, I’m worried about you. We all are.” Her voice dropped, concern lacing her words. “I know the Yin body lets you think, but it doesn’t change the pressure. It just makes it easier to handle it. But we know, we know you didn’t plan for this. Never expected this.”
“How could I?” Arthur asked, then shook his head. “It was thrust on me and I’m just riding the current, doing the best I can because what else?”
“What else?” she said. “How about embracing it all and making full use of it.”
“I am.” He grated out. “I promised to make the Durians more than just another shitty Clan, more than another thing for people to grow rich, to trample on others.”
“I know. And you’re doing the job. But…”
He snorted. “I won’t break. I don’t.”
“You don’t know that.” Uswah fell silent at the look he gave her and then she sighed. “Just, remember we are here to support you. And you are doing good. Even if this wasn’t your dream.”
He did not answer her, waiting for her to leave. Alone by himself, he could only shake his head a little. Not his dream. How could he have a dream? When the world took away all your choices, when your options were so small, that you could only take the craziest of risks to have any chance of something more?
His dreams had only ever been to climb the Tower and exit it, with a chance to make a life for himself. Because he never had a chance for anything more. And now, he had that, and he wasn’t sure he wanted it but he had it.
So maybe she wasn’t wrong, that he hadn’t embraced it all.
Because while he might have a dream for the Durians, he had none for himself.
Just the crushing realization of ever more work, for decades in a job that he had never asked for.